changes

I have a full week left at home. Then, I fly off to Chicago for a semester of work, learning, friends, adventure, growth, understanding, and reality. At least, that is some of what I am expecting. The previous listed items are not horrifying in themselves, but then why am I scared to death? My nervousness about Chicago has been present all summer and comes in rolling waves, and now that the adventure is a week away the fear has taken over. What specifically am I afraid of? I do not know if I can pinpoint it. I am afraid of failure. Of the city itself. Of a lot. I have never been a fan of change. Freaking out. Freaking out! Freaking out... I have been told that the nerves and fear will go away when I land--when I am in the city. The anticipation is killing me though. I do have moments of panic attacks. Small ones but they are still there.

I cried on the first day of elementary school, the first day of middle school, the fist day of high school, the fist day of college, the last day of college, and many times between. Yes--I am very emotional. I am expecting to cry the first day in Chicago. I never thought I would miss Dordt or at least wish I was going back. Many people are updating their facebook statuses with phrases such as "at dordt" "packing up for another semester at dordt" "excited to see people at dordt" etc. I do need to remind myself that another semester at Dordt would not be good for me. But, I do wish I would have soaked up the Dordtness while I was there. I am visiting my college in a couple of days. I will say hello and goodbye to friends, hopefully visit some professors (who am I kidding, of course I will visit professors :)), and possibly sit in on a couple social work classes. I will miss the college I have called home for the past three years. The college that I hated before I was there. The college that challenged me in ways I never thought I could be challenged. The college that introduced me to some of my best friends.

I will try to update this more often and write about my adventures in Chicago. We will see where this semester takes me.

love.

It has been a long time and a lot has happened. Also, a lot has stayed the same. I am working two jobs. One, for the company that I have been working for for the past three years--the mentally disabled home. I am located at a different home this summer, which was a bit difficult at first, but now I really enjoy it. I work with four clients--two girls and two boys (I should say two women and two men). They are very high functioning which is very different from the other home. My other job is for a company called DRCC, Duluth Regional Care Center. There, I work as an In Home Service Support Assistant--that is a mouthful. :) Presently, I work with a fourteen year old girl who has cerebral palsy, mild fetal alcohol syndrome, ADD, and is manic depressive. She is such a joy to work with most of the time. She is extremely high functioning and can really do everything herself. So, I work with her four days a week in her home for about 10 hours every day. You think she would get sick of me, but whenever I am about to leave she begs me to stay. There are plenty of days where I want to pull my hair out, but this job has made me grow in my flexibility and patience, which is a bit ironic because I was looking over my personal statement for the social work department this year and the two major things that I listed as things that I wanted to improve upon were flexibility and patience. HEY! I am working on them! :)
The other day, while I was driving my girl--that is what I call her because I am not allowed to say her name--back from a picnic she started talking about how this boy at the picnic asked her out. She got really red and giggly (like the typical girl would--I totally would too). I asked her what she said to him and she turned him down. Good because she is not allowed to date. Anyway, I then asked her what she thought it meant to have a boyfriend and she answered me with "love". I smiled and agreed. I then asked her what she thought love meant and she thought for a while and answered in a questioning tone "flirting". I smiled and said that flirting can have love, but love is much more than flirting. She thought a bit more and said "marriage". That one got me. I thought about it for a bit and told her that her answer is very true but you can have marriage without love and you can have love without marriage. My girl then sat there for a bit and asked me what love really was then. Holy crap. I thought a lot. A lot. I had no idea how to answer that. I had never been asked that question before, and in all honesty I thought I would have an answer--especially because I have been in love before. As I was driving back to her house I was trying to imagine a tangible object floating in the air that I could pick up and hand to her--love. But, no such luck. Then I tried to think about how I know when I am in love with someone and I could not come up with that answer either. It is so complicated. It's trust, comfort, commitment, understanding, compromise, etc. etc. etc. How do you explain such a thing. So, I told her to wait a couple of days and I would think of an answer. I also told her to ask her mother.

I am done with my work rambling. However, now on to other things.

Lately, I have been FREAKING out about Chicago. It is no longer this idea that may or may not happen. It is happening. I am going. I know I have known for a long time, but for some reason it is finally hitting me. My nerves are good nerves though. They are the same nerves I had before I left for college. They are the same nerves I had when I went into job interviews. But, it is frightening. I am growing up. Shit. It is fucking scary and enormously thrilling at the same time. Where did the time go? Where did my time at Dordt go? Am I really done with the school that I have called my home for the past three years?
Also, I have been so afraid of Thailand that I have put off much of my application/information forms. I have known that I am going for just as long as I have known about Chicago, but in my mind this is still a story from another book. Not my book. Not my story. But, I have had to ask myself if I want this to be my story. Do I want to travel the world? Do I want to help those around the world? Do I want to let fear rule my life? Yes. Yes. No. Okay, then I have to act on it. So, tonight after work I sat down and updated my resume and wrote my personal statement. I shuffled some money around and found my deposit money and am set to submit it all tomorrow. Wow.
There is more. And if you are still reading, I apologize. I am in the process of applying to graduate schools. My father printed off a crap load of information on about twenty different social work schools. Of course the University of Michigan is on the top of the list, but it is about $52,000. The University of Minnesota is almost as good and it is about $7,000. There are many other schools and I am looking into all of them, but yet again...commitment. Commitment scares the shit out of me. I do not know when that happened, but it is definite. All forms...jobs, trips, planning my life, marriage, all of it.

Well, overall, after all the rambling, it feels good to get it all out. I am excited but scared shitless. Please, dear reader, pray for me and for strength through this long journey called life.

endings schmendings

I miss you. This evening was difficult, and I am not exactly sure why. Maybe I am slowly realizing that Dordt is now the past and the world is my future. My system of friends is still in place and we are keeping in contact, as much as busy summer schedules allow, but it is different. New friends are in the future, I know that. I have learned that. In one of my social work classes this past semester we ended the class by talking about how we each handle ending things. I handle them horribly; even if I am not directly involved in the thing that is ending, I sometimes take it hard. Ending high school was great; I did not cry the last day nor did I cry at graduation, but I did cry for three days when the first of my friends left. I cried that whole week before. "This is our last Thursday together..." Yes, I was that girl. I cried on the drive down to Iowa, I cried my first couple of nights at Dordt, but then my schema adjusted and I started to really enjoy myself. I know the same thing will happen now, or at least I am hypothesizing so. I cried leaving Dordt, I cried leaving my roommates and friends, and I cried on the drive home. I am sure Chicago will bring tears but I am not afraid of those tears. When I really sit down and think about what is changing, however, I get scared. I hate ending things, but I know beginning things can be amazing.

dirt beneath my fingernails

Presently, I am sitting in my living room with a blanket wrapped around me, slippers on and dirt beneath my fingernails. I forgot how much I enjoy planting flowers and vegetables. Today was spent gardening with my mother, doing laundry, and giving my dog too many treats. A few other things were completed; I finalized plans with a friend that I have not seen since the summer of 2006, sent in my Chicago Semester information, helped my father clean out the garage, killed a spider (by myself!), and enjoyed hamburgers, brats, and fresh watermelon with my family. I put to use my greenhouse skills and created, what I would consider, some beautiful flower arrangements. Tomorrow my mother and I plan on putting the rest of the plants in the ground and placing our pots in strategic areas around our lawn. We are also driving my father down to the airport. He is starting his two week "vacation" in Santa Cruz. Two of my aunts are headed to England for about two weeks and my father said that he would stay at one of my aunts houses and care for her pets and plants and such while she is gone, but he is also preparing for his independent clinical social work exam. I am sure he will find it much easier to study beach-side rather than in a house full of four females who, truthfully, are never quiet. I am continuing to "do" through my summer and not sit through it. We will see what surprises arise tomorrow.

today

I have crossed three things off of my summer to-do list. Today I painted outside. I am not quite done with it yet, but I am hoping to be completely satisfied with it tomorrow. I have not painted in a while and it was magnificent painting in the fresh air, listening to the combination of my neighbor mowing his lawn and pandora, and occasionally reaching over to pet my cat. I have also been able to cross off my "get another piercing" item on my list. No, I did not get my lip pierced. Another ear piercing, and I am quite pleased with it. I am interested to see how long it takes me to want another one, however. I find that the time between my piercings is getting shorter and shorter. We will see when/if another one happens. I will leave my third item a mystery for now and may talk about it in later entries.

One of my high school friends is on her way to Africa at this moment. She will be working there for about a month and then is planning on coming back to Cloquet for the duration of her summer. Another friend is taking summer classes in Minneapolis, another is staying in Chicago, and there are a few who are still in the area. I have had many intriguing conversations with those who have stayed in the area. One of the conversations that has been sitting on my mind lately was about happiness. We talked about how we were both presently doing--great on both ends, and then we continued to talk about what we wanted out of our lives--the future (insert daunting sound). I do not think I have ever been so scared of the future, and we talked about that. It is a good scared. A horrifying scared. I am most scared of not being happy, but focusing on this fear takes away from my happiness of today. Therefore, happiness shall surround my daily activities and I will embrace the happiness I feel today. I am scared as hell, but happiness is percolating over inside of me.

one week into the sun

One week ago I was out with the roommates, enjoying the last night on Dordt's campus. Leaving was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Saying the goodbyes to people who I thought I had more time with was odd. I think I tricked myself into thinking I had more time. I think I still think I have more time.

Since I have been home I have unpacked and organized my room. I am preparing for a mass garage sale and am hoping that the majority of my stuff will be sold/donated. I have caught up with a couple friends and have made plans to catch up with a couple more. I have cuddled with my cats! And given my dog too many treats. I have also started two of my jobs and have learned a crap load! I am continuing my job at Pine Ridge Homes and am starting with DRCC. I have yet to set up an interview with the family that wants me to nanny, but I am sure that will come soon enough. Through my training and re-training at Pine Ridge and DRCC I feel as if my brain is being overloaded. I have read countless client books, policies, and regulations. Excitement floods me when I think about my work. For Pine Ridge I will be filling in at the house I have worked with in the past and I am picking up regular hours at a new house with four clients, and for DRCC I will be working with a fourteen year old girl, ten year old boy, and four year old girl. Social work here I come! It is a great feeling to be able to apply what you have learned in class to your job. I am thrilled to see what these jobs may bring.

The other day, I asked Becca if it was possible for someone to have a mid life crisis at the age of twenty. She laughed and said, "when it comes to you, yes." She is probably right. I am a very anxious person, very up tight and worry about everything. I have been going through a "quarter-life crisis" recently because I have no idea what I want. I thought I knew, but I don't. I know more so of what I do not want and I guess that is a start, correct? I am pretty much done with college. I have a semester left in Chicago and then I am dropped into the working world. Yes, I have Thailand, but I will be on my own. I think I am just worried about not being happy with my life when I am 40, 50, 60, 70. Recently, when I look at adults I wonder if they are happy with where they are in their life. Note to self--do not get too comfortable with life. In the hopes of "not getting too comfortable with life" I have created a list of things that I WILL do this summer. I am excited to get things moving. Watch out summer 2009, I am ready.

clear thinking?

I have tried to write something here for the past couple months and for some reason little fragments appear but nothing truly makes sense, and I usually end up deleting it all. I wonder what it would have sounded like if I would have kept each mini entry and combined them. It would be a chaotic mess. As I start this entry I am hoping that I will finish it by pressing "publish post" and not "delete" but who knows.

I am ready for the semester to be over. I am, however, not ready for classes and learning to cease. My return to Dordt is not. Is not. I am going to Chicago in the fall and graduating in December. Then, I will make my way to Thailand to work with orphans and teach them English. After this three month trip, which begins in January, I will hopefully enter graduate school. I am in the process of applying and will soon see if this dream will be attainable.

As my graduation comes closer I am trying to figure out what I really want out of my life. And, as I think that I grow angrier at myself, because my life is not in the future--it is now. "What do I want out of my life?" Yes, valid question, especially for someone about to leave college, but what can I get out of my life NOW? I have a friend from home who "makes every day worth it." You may ask me how, and I cannot tell you for sure. She told me that she wakes up every day and tells herself that she is going to do something new, something that she can take pride in. I admire this.

I think I am confused. (Okay, I know I am confused :) ). I know I want to be a social worker. Yes. Yes? Okay, scratch that. I know I want to help people. Yes? Yes. I know my family will always be there. Definitely true. I do not know where I want to go after my tentative plans. I am, as you know, a planner. An organizer of my life. I love planning. I need to plan. But, I have been taught that though necessary at times, it can lead to great stress and disappointment.

I think more of the question "what do I see myself doing in ten years." And I have no fricken idea. Now, I know so many people cannot answer this question. But, I do not even know what I want to do in ten years! Five! Three! Two! I don't know. I can't really see myself doing anything. I do not mean I will be a bum doing absolutely nothing. I just cannot see myself as a social worker. Maybe it will come with time.

I am ready to be done with Dordt. Yes, there will be people I miss, but I will make it a point to keep in contact with them (dear reader, I apologize ahead of time--I am horrible at keeping in contact). My excitement during my Dordt experience has been comparable to a bell curve. I am bring in my past math major. It started out low. Okay, I hated it here. But, by the third month I really enjoyed college. The rest of my freshman year was great and I would not trade it for a thing. Sophomore year depleted. New friendships were made and my roommate was amazing. She is, hands down, the best roommate I have ever had. But as most of you know I was not at my best during my sophomore year. This year, my third and final year at Dordt, has been a slow downward slope towards the way I felt about this college in the beginning. It isn't the same disliking, and I wouldn't necessarily say I do not like it here, I am just ready to move on. I truly believe I have gotten what I can out of Dordt. Next chapter please.

Yes, I do believe I will publish this one. It isn't great, but that is okay because I do not think many people read this anyway. :) I would not say I am ready for bigger and better, but I would say I am ready for different. I don't like change, but I am ready for it.