At what age do things start to get complicated? When is life no longer about waking up and playing all day until bed? When do our jobs and money start taking over? As we continue to add numbers onto our age does life continue to get more complicated? As a child do we simply accept things the way they are and live contently? Yes, as a human of a younger age we do seem to ask "why" and "how" frequently, but these questions are out of pure curiosity. Do we lose our curiosity, and if so, when?
I do not want to be an "old" woman and live my life routinely. Yes, I do love routines and I love order, but I do not want to do the same thing day after day. I want excitement; I want passion; I desire desire. Doesn't everyone?
Some people are quite content doing the same things throughout their life. That is the beauty in life; we are all built differently and we all find happiness in different ways of life.
I am looking forward to being an 'adult' (whatever that word means). I am excited to have a job. However, I want to live like a child. This does not mean that I want to sleep in and play all day without a care in the world; however, I want to keep my curiosity. I do not want to feel weighed down by life. I want to look back and say "I would not change a thing."
As of now, I can say that. I do not believe in regret. Yes, if some things in my life were different it might have been a bit easier and a few tears less, but I would not be where I am standing now if those things had not happened and those tears had not been shed.
Lately, a memory has been hitched to my back.
**We all ran to my grandma and grandpa as they passed out different sized glass canning jars. The five grandchildren, wide-eyed and hopeful, reached out their arms waiting for the magic catchers to hit their finger tips. Once we each had our own jar we ran outside as fast as our legs would carry us. The farm was huge, but all of us always stayed in the same area of the yard. "I see one!!! I see one!!!!" Five little girls ran around the yard trying to catch the little bits of magic flying through the air. We would never go back inside until all five jars held at least one flickering bug. The five of us stumbled upstairs into our little bedroom and lined our jars on the windowsill. We snuggled into our sheets and watched the magnificent flickers of light until our eyelids grew too heavy. When we awoke we would go out into the yard and release the magic bugs and a wish.**
If I could go back to this point in time I would. I cannot imagine how beautiful it must have been for our parents and grandparents to watch their children, nieces, and grandchildren run around the yard with little glass jars in hopes of catching a firefly.
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3 comments:
oh my gosh, Renae, I hear ya.
I said pretty much the same thing to my dad, all teary eyed... "I want more... I want an EXTRAORDINARY life... I don't want to live within constrainments... I want..." well, exactly what you wrote. He was silent for a long time until he said, "I don't blame you for wanting to get out of Cloquet. But I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to give you that."
Which was honest, and I appreciate that very much. But... I know somewhere, there's an answer. There has to be. And sadly, my dad doesn't even know.. he's 56 years old. He's got 36 years on me. You would assume, at least... I would assume that he would at least have an inkling... that much time to figure it out... At one point, he was twenty like us... (you're almost twenty anyway, and you tell people you're twenty, so feel special!ha...) but he doesn't know how to live outside the contrainments of society, live a deeper life, live a life worthy of living, of meaning, of true joy... something worth reading a biography of or whathave you.
And that scares me, at least a bit. He gave up on finding that, you know? It's there, I promise you. And I have to keep reminding myself of that too. And I guess an analogy... in relating to your second story as well...
I feel like everyone is given their own jar of fireflies to do with as he/she pleases. Ours right now is pulsing, brilliant, and beautiful. There's lots of potential. Tons.
But my dad has allowed his fireflies to escape and fly away, Renae. We need to keep holding on tight to our jars, because they're going to light the path that we've been searching for. Our answer. It's gonna be good.
And please understand that I love my dad.. it's just that I don't really want to settle, and to allow my fireflies to escape.
I love you very much. I'm proud of you, Renae! =) I truly am.
p.s.
I like our big picture on the top of your page! =)
mwah!
Rae, I challenge you to take these motivations to their executions... turn them into convictions, a lifestyle, a worldview. Show everyone your curiosity, my little firefly.
i love you oh so dearly...
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