finding myself

I have been listening to Damien Rice's album "O" for the past couple of days. I have listened to other things as well, but this seems to be the latest staple of my music selection. It is amazing how music influences your mood, or even how it comforts you when you feel alone. We hear of comfort food… do we all have our own comfort music as well?
Procrastination has taken hold of me—even within this blog entry. I clicked “new post” with the intent to write about these past couple of months and what I have worked towards, what I have accomplished, what I am going to work on, and my doubts. So, in light of pointing out my procrastination within this blog, I am going to type for ten minutes (or until I feel satisfied) without stopping. (We did an exercise like this in my 10th grade English class. At the beginning of every class my teacher, Mr. Rhicard, would give us a prompt such as “least favorite childhood memory” or “if I was a person of the opposite gender…” We would have five minutes of freehand writing and we were not allowed to stop writing. For Mr. Rhicard….

I think I am supposed to be here. For a long time I felt as if I had made the wrong decision in coming to Dordt, but after all this work and growth (I guess you could call it growth) I know I am where I should be. I understand, now, why I went through everything I did. From October to about March I kept asking God why I had to go through depression. I did not understand what I had done to deserve these feelings. I was mad at God for allowing me to go through the things I went through. My life was good. There wasn’t anything “depressing” about it, so then why would I, a genuinely happy 19 year old college student, become depressed/suicidal? I do not have an outright answer right now, but I am getting closer to figuring it out. Also, I am no longer angry with God. I have accepted what I have gone through and what I am going through. Yes, I have depression and yes I was suicidal. For the longest time I was afraid/ashamed of telling people. I didn’t want people to think that I was trying to get their attention or pity. I do not want to seem as if I am putting myself on a pedestal, because I really do not think that, but I have worked my butt off in getting where I am today. (Also, there have been so many people guiding me and holding my hand through this—Lisa, Melissa, my mom, Steph, Joseph, and Jason). Thank you. I love each and every one of you and I know it sucked a lot of the time, but I really truly appreciate it and I cannot thank each of you enough.
I have gone through my share of counselors. Ha. I have now gone through five counselors (3 in the past couple of months). They all have either had a change in occupation, became pregnant, or had a medical issue… so they are justified reasons. I had “assignments” from my counselors and I did them, whether I wanted to or not. A lot of them sucked. They were supposed to. My most recent counselor asked me if I could pinpoint when I started to feel “better” and I could not give her an answer. I would say during the month of March/April, but there is definitely not a set date as to when everything turn right-side-up. It was definitely a gradual thing; it is still going. There are so many things I still want to work on. I need to reestablish my faith. I need to be more comfortable with who I am. I need to learn to depend on people more—this has been getting better.
I am not ashamed. I will not shy away from any questions. I have had people ask me if I have tried to kill myself. I have had people ask if I still think about it. They ask me about my lowest point, and some ask if there was anything they could have done to help. I have had people ask pretty much any question you can think of. Many people ask “why”… that is the question I can answer knowing they will not understand. No matter how well I explain the way I thought and what I was going through no one will understand ‘why’. I do not expect people to understand it; in some ways I do not want them to understand it because that would mean that they would have had to go through something quite similar. I do not want people to look at me differently. I am not the same person—but you all still know me. Don’t be afraid of what I am thinking, do not be afraid of what you should or should not say to me, do not look at me differently, I do not want any of those things. I am not writing this here for anyone else’s benefit but my own. I need to do this. I need to tell people in some way. Some people already know, but I feel as if now I am comfortable enough with myself to do this.
I have passion again. I have desire again. I laugh, joke, and smile without forcing it. I am happy. Overall, yes, I am content. People will always have things about their life that they wish could be a bit different, but all in all I would not trade anything I have gone through for anything at all.

‘Cannonball’ is a magnificent song. The transition from ‘The Blower’s Daughter’ to ‘Cannonball’ is beautiful. Close your eyes and listen to it. I try not to think about anything but the lyrics. Try it.

Much love.
Renae

a dream

I had a dream the other night, but I do not remember what it was. I remember bits and pieces of it; however, there are so many parts of it missing. Usually this wouldn't bother me. I do not remember every dream I have, and I definitely do not always remember the entire dream itself. However, this dream was different. Something about it was unsettling. What is so unsettling? I do not know. All day I have had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about it. Bits of my dream will enter my mind and I get shaky. This has never happened to me before. What was so bad about the dream? I did not wake up afraid. It wasn't a "bad" dream; I know that for sure. Yet, somehow it sends an icy cold chill down my back whenever I think about it.