endings schmendings

I miss you. This evening was difficult, and I am not exactly sure why. Maybe I am slowly realizing that Dordt is now the past and the world is my future. My system of friends is still in place and we are keeping in contact, as much as busy summer schedules allow, but it is different. New friends are in the future, I know that. I have learned that. In one of my social work classes this past semester we ended the class by talking about how we each handle ending things. I handle them horribly; even if I am not directly involved in the thing that is ending, I sometimes take it hard. Ending high school was great; I did not cry the last day nor did I cry at graduation, but I did cry for three days when the first of my friends left. I cried that whole week before. "This is our last Thursday together..." Yes, I was that girl. I cried on the drive down to Iowa, I cried my first couple of nights at Dordt, but then my schema adjusted and I started to really enjoy myself. I know the same thing will happen now, or at least I am hypothesizing so. I cried leaving Dordt, I cried leaving my roommates and friends, and I cried on the drive home. I am sure Chicago will bring tears but I am not afraid of those tears. When I really sit down and think about what is changing, however, I get scared. I hate ending things, but I know beginning things can be amazing.

dirt beneath my fingernails

Presently, I am sitting in my living room with a blanket wrapped around me, slippers on and dirt beneath my fingernails. I forgot how much I enjoy planting flowers and vegetables. Today was spent gardening with my mother, doing laundry, and giving my dog too many treats. A few other things were completed; I finalized plans with a friend that I have not seen since the summer of 2006, sent in my Chicago Semester information, helped my father clean out the garage, killed a spider (by myself!), and enjoyed hamburgers, brats, and fresh watermelon with my family. I put to use my greenhouse skills and created, what I would consider, some beautiful flower arrangements. Tomorrow my mother and I plan on putting the rest of the plants in the ground and placing our pots in strategic areas around our lawn. We are also driving my father down to the airport. He is starting his two week "vacation" in Santa Cruz. Two of my aunts are headed to England for about two weeks and my father said that he would stay at one of my aunts houses and care for her pets and plants and such while she is gone, but he is also preparing for his independent clinical social work exam. I am sure he will find it much easier to study beach-side rather than in a house full of four females who, truthfully, are never quiet. I am continuing to "do" through my summer and not sit through it. We will see what surprises arise tomorrow.

today

I have crossed three things off of my summer to-do list. Today I painted outside. I am not quite done with it yet, but I am hoping to be completely satisfied with it tomorrow. I have not painted in a while and it was magnificent painting in the fresh air, listening to the combination of my neighbor mowing his lawn and pandora, and occasionally reaching over to pet my cat. I have also been able to cross off my "get another piercing" item on my list. No, I did not get my lip pierced. Another ear piercing, and I am quite pleased with it. I am interested to see how long it takes me to want another one, however. I find that the time between my piercings is getting shorter and shorter. We will see when/if another one happens. I will leave my third item a mystery for now and may talk about it in later entries.

One of my high school friends is on her way to Africa at this moment. She will be working there for about a month and then is planning on coming back to Cloquet for the duration of her summer. Another friend is taking summer classes in Minneapolis, another is staying in Chicago, and there are a few who are still in the area. I have had many intriguing conversations with those who have stayed in the area. One of the conversations that has been sitting on my mind lately was about happiness. We talked about how we were both presently doing--great on both ends, and then we continued to talk about what we wanted out of our lives--the future (insert daunting sound). I do not think I have ever been so scared of the future, and we talked about that. It is a good scared. A horrifying scared. I am most scared of not being happy, but focusing on this fear takes away from my happiness of today. Therefore, happiness shall surround my daily activities and I will embrace the happiness I feel today. I am scared as hell, but happiness is percolating over inside of me.

one week into the sun

One week ago I was out with the roommates, enjoying the last night on Dordt's campus. Leaving was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Saying the goodbyes to people who I thought I had more time with was odd. I think I tricked myself into thinking I had more time. I think I still think I have more time.

Since I have been home I have unpacked and organized my room. I am preparing for a mass garage sale and am hoping that the majority of my stuff will be sold/donated. I have caught up with a couple friends and have made plans to catch up with a couple more. I have cuddled with my cats! And given my dog too many treats. I have also started two of my jobs and have learned a crap load! I am continuing my job at Pine Ridge Homes and am starting with DRCC. I have yet to set up an interview with the family that wants me to nanny, but I am sure that will come soon enough. Through my training and re-training at Pine Ridge and DRCC I feel as if my brain is being overloaded. I have read countless client books, policies, and regulations. Excitement floods me when I think about my work. For Pine Ridge I will be filling in at the house I have worked with in the past and I am picking up regular hours at a new house with four clients, and for DRCC I will be working with a fourteen year old girl, ten year old boy, and four year old girl. Social work here I come! It is a great feeling to be able to apply what you have learned in class to your job. I am thrilled to see what these jobs may bring.

The other day, I asked Becca if it was possible for someone to have a mid life crisis at the age of twenty. She laughed and said, "when it comes to you, yes." She is probably right. I am a very anxious person, very up tight and worry about everything. I have been going through a "quarter-life crisis" recently because I have no idea what I want. I thought I knew, but I don't. I know more so of what I do not want and I guess that is a start, correct? I am pretty much done with college. I have a semester left in Chicago and then I am dropped into the working world. Yes, I have Thailand, but I will be on my own. I think I am just worried about not being happy with my life when I am 40, 50, 60, 70. Recently, when I look at adults I wonder if they are happy with where they are in their life. Note to self--do not get too comfortable with life. In the hopes of "not getting too comfortable with life" I have created a list of things that I WILL do this summer. I am excited to get things moving. Watch out summer 2009, I am ready.