clear thinking?

I have tried to write something here for the past couple months and for some reason little fragments appear but nothing truly makes sense, and I usually end up deleting it all. I wonder what it would have sounded like if I would have kept each mini entry and combined them. It would be a chaotic mess. As I start this entry I am hoping that I will finish it by pressing "publish post" and not "delete" but who knows.

I am ready for the semester to be over. I am, however, not ready for classes and learning to cease. My return to Dordt is not. Is not. I am going to Chicago in the fall and graduating in December. Then, I will make my way to Thailand to work with orphans and teach them English. After this three month trip, which begins in January, I will hopefully enter graduate school. I am in the process of applying and will soon see if this dream will be attainable.

As my graduation comes closer I am trying to figure out what I really want out of my life. And, as I think that I grow angrier at myself, because my life is not in the future--it is now. "What do I want out of my life?" Yes, valid question, especially for someone about to leave college, but what can I get out of my life NOW? I have a friend from home who "makes every day worth it." You may ask me how, and I cannot tell you for sure. She told me that she wakes up every day and tells herself that she is going to do something new, something that she can take pride in. I admire this.

I think I am confused. (Okay, I know I am confused :) ). I know I want to be a social worker. Yes. Yes? Okay, scratch that. I know I want to help people. Yes? Yes. I know my family will always be there. Definitely true. I do not know where I want to go after my tentative plans. I am, as you know, a planner. An organizer of my life. I love planning. I need to plan. But, I have been taught that though necessary at times, it can lead to great stress and disappointment.

I think more of the question "what do I see myself doing in ten years." And I have no fricken idea. Now, I know so many people cannot answer this question. But, I do not even know what I want to do in ten years! Five! Three! Two! I don't know. I can't really see myself doing anything. I do not mean I will be a bum doing absolutely nothing. I just cannot see myself as a social worker. Maybe it will come with time.

I am ready to be done with Dordt. Yes, there will be people I miss, but I will make it a point to keep in contact with them (dear reader, I apologize ahead of time--I am horrible at keeping in contact). My excitement during my Dordt experience has been comparable to a bell curve. I am bring in my past math major. It started out low. Okay, I hated it here. But, by the third month I really enjoyed college. The rest of my freshman year was great and I would not trade it for a thing. Sophomore year depleted. New friendships were made and my roommate was amazing. She is, hands down, the best roommate I have ever had. But as most of you know I was not at my best during my sophomore year. This year, my third and final year at Dordt, has been a slow downward slope towards the way I felt about this college in the beginning. It isn't the same disliking, and I wouldn't necessarily say I do not like it here, I am just ready to move on. I truly believe I have gotten what I can out of Dordt. Next chapter please.

Yes, I do believe I will publish this one. It isn't great, but that is okay because I do not think many people read this anyway. :) I would not say I am ready for bigger and better, but I would say I am ready for different. I don't like change, but I am ready for it.