fields of naked land

Love.
Prayer.
Forgiveness.


Strip yourself down to nothing. Break away from the things you define yourself by. Step away from the people you believe make you who you are. Now what?
You can no longer call yourself a daughter, mother, child, son, roommate, friend, brother, sister, or student. Who are you?


Why do you act the way you do?
Introvert?
Extrovert?
Realist?
Idealist?
Idrealist? (J)

Why do you believe the things you do?
Democrat?
Republican?

How do you define your faith?
Christianity?
Hinduism?
Buddhism?
Animism?


I have been walking up a dark staircase, and when I get to the top I still am expecting a stair when there isn’t one. My foot goes up, comes down, and “oh shit.” There is that moment of feeling completely…helpless, but that moment usually lasts seconds. Usually.

How do I define myself without the previously listed things? How does anyone really begin to define themselves?

If I was not raised in a Christian household, would I consider myself a Christian?

Definition of self-frantically pulling out hair in hopes of some sort of answer.

I have been fighting this question/definition for some time now, and I have not gotten any closer to an answer. I know I will never be able to fully define who I am and what the point of my life is, but some sort of inkling would be nice. I am trying to stay away from who I think people want me to be and who I really am. I keep running myself into circles. Round and round. I AM GETTING DIZZY.

I heard a quote today. It was supposed to bring some sort of hope or comfort. I do not believe it lived up to its expectations. It was said in hopes of a response along the lines of "Ah. Yes. That makes sense." Those words were not spoken. Nothing was said.

"Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness."


Love…
“I love you.”

It is said too easily in our society, but not enough.

We all say it on a whim without really knowing what it means. It is not a feeling. It is not a portrayal of our actions to let people know what the relationship means. It is a commitment. It means I will work with you through anything. I will be here, maybe not in the same way we started, but I will be here. Friendship or otherwise, I will be here. Someone told me once that you cannot hate someone until you have loved them first. First hearing this brought intrigue and a bit of confusion; however, think about it. Hate is such a strong emotion. It comes about by being disappointed, misled, disregarded, etc. by someone you truly care about. If someone you did not love did these things it would not matter; hate would not grow. Is hate and love seemingly the same thing?


Prayer…
“God, please be with so-and-so today.”

Are these the words that form our prayers?

They did make up the majority of mine.

Many of you know my present standing on prayer. I am working on it. I wish it was easier, but if everything was easy we would not get anywhere would we? (Think about it.)

Praying for something to miraculously happen does not mean you helped in the matter. If a friend is in dire need of strength, a hand to hold, some foundation, help them. Help in this sense does not mean prayer.


Forgiveness…
"Forgive and forget"

How does one come upon forgiveness? It is not something you can acquire through steps, is it? How do you forgive someone for something unspeakable?


I decided when I was about ten that I would never say “I forgive you” to someone without truly knowing that whatever was done was forgiven.

‘Forgive and forget’—No. Impossible. I will forgive, but I will never forget. What has happened is now a part of me and I will never forget.

I desperately want to say those words. No, correction; I desperately want to mean those words.

But, I cannot force it.