dirt beneath my fingernails

Presently, I am sitting in my living room with a blanket wrapped around me, slippers on and dirt beneath my fingernails. I forgot how much I enjoy planting flowers and vegetables. Today was spent gardening with my mother, doing laundry, and giving my dog too many treats. A few other things were completed; I finalized plans with a friend that I have not seen since the summer of 2006, sent in my Chicago Semester information, helped my father clean out the garage, killed a spider (by myself!), and enjoyed hamburgers, brats, and fresh watermelon with my family. I put to use my greenhouse skills and created, what I would consider, some beautiful flower arrangements. Tomorrow my mother and I plan on putting the rest of the plants in the ground and placing our pots in strategic areas around our lawn. We are also driving my father down to the airport. He is starting his two week "vacation" in Santa Cruz. Two of my aunts are headed to England for about two weeks and my father said that he would stay at one of my aunts houses and care for her pets and plants and such while she is gone, but he is also preparing for his independent clinical social work exam. I am sure he will find it much easier to study beach-side rather than in a house full of four females who, truthfully, are never quiet. I am continuing to "do" through my summer and not sit through it. We will see what surprises arise tomorrow.

today

I have crossed three things off of my summer to-do list. Today I painted outside. I am not quite done with it yet, but I am hoping to be completely satisfied with it tomorrow. I have not painted in a while and it was magnificent painting in the fresh air, listening to the combination of my neighbor mowing his lawn and pandora, and occasionally reaching over to pet my cat. I have also been able to cross off my "get another piercing" item on my list. No, I did not get my lip pierced. Another ear piercing, and I am quite pleased with it. I am interested to see how long it takes me to want another one, however. I find that the time between my piercings is getting shorter and shorter. We will see when/if another one happens. I will leave my third item a mystery for now and may talk about it in later entries.

One of my high school friends is on her way to Africa at this moment. She will be working there for about a month and then is planning on coming back to Cloquet for the duration of her summer. Another friend is taking summer classes in Minneapolis, another is staying in Chicago, and there are a few who are still in the area. I have had many intriguing conversations with those who have stayed in the area. One of the conversations that has been sitting on my mind lately was about happiness. We talked about how we were both presently doing--great on both ends, and then we continued to talk about what we wanted out of our lives--the future (insert daunting sound). I do not think I have ever been so scared of the future, and we talked about that. It is a good scared. A horrifying scared. I am most scared of not being happy, but focusing on this fear takes away from my happiness of today. Therefore, happiness shall surround my daily activities and I will embrace the happiness I feel today. I am scared as hell, but happiness is percolating over inside of me.

one week into the sun

One week ago I was out with the roommates, enjoying the last night on Dordt's campus. Leaving was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Saying the goodbyes to people who I thought I had more time with was odd. I think I tricked myself into thinking I had more time. I think I still think I have more time.

Since I have been home I have unpacked and organized my room. I am preparing for a mass garage sale and am hoping that the majority of my stuff will be sold/donated. I have caught up with a couple friends and have made plans to catch up with a couple more. I have cuddled with my cats! And given my dog too many treats. I have also started two of my jobs and have learned a crap load! I am continuing my job at Pine Ridge Homes and am starting with DRCC. I have yet to set up an interview with the family that wants me to nanny, but I am sure that will come soon enough. Through my training and re-training at Pine Ridge and DRCC I feel as if my brain is being overloaded. I have read countless client books, policies, and regulations. Excitement floods me when I think about my work. For Pine Ridge I will be filling in at the house I have worked with in the past and I am picking up regular hours at a new house with four clients, and for DRCC I will be working with a fourteen year old girl, ten year old boy, and four year old girl. Social work here I come! It is a great feeling to be able to apply what you have learned in class to your job. I am thrilled to see what these jobs may bring.

The other day, I asked Becca if it was possible for someone to have a mid life crisis at the age of twenty. She laughed and said, "when it comes to you, yes." She is probably right. I am a very anxious person, very up tight and worry about everything. I have been going through a "quarter-life crisis" recently because I have no idea what I want. I thought I knew, but I don't. I know more so of what I do not want and I guess that is a start, correct? I am pretty much done with college. I have a semester left in Chicago and then I am dropped into the working world. Yes, I have Thailand, but I will be on my own. I think I am just worried about not being happy with my life when I am 40, 50, 60, 70. Recently, when I look at adults I wonder if they are happy with where they are in their life. Note to self--do not get too comfortable with life. In the hopes of "not getting too comfortable with life" I have created a list of things that I WILL do this summer. I am excited to get things moving. Watch out summer 2009, I am ready.

clear thinking?

I have tried to write something here for the past couple months and for some reason little fragments appear but nothing truly makes sense, and I usually end up deleting it all. I wonder what it would have sounded like if I would have kept each mini entry and combined them. It would be a chaotic mess. As I start this entry I am hoping that I will finish it by pressing "publish post" and not "delete" but who knows.

I am ready for the semester to be over. I am, however, not ready for classes and learning to cease. My return to Dordt is not. Is not. I am going to Chicago in the fall and graduating in December. Then, I will make my way to Thailand to work with orphans and teach them English. After this three month trip, which begins in January, I will hopefully enter graduate school. I am in the process of applying and will soon see if this dream will be attainable.

As my graduation comes closer I am trying to figure out what I really want out of my life. And, as I think that I grow angrier at myself, because my life is not in the future--it is now. "What do I want out of my life?" Yes, valid question, especially for someone about to leave college, but what can I get out of my life NOW? I have a friend from home who "makes every day worth it." You may ask me how, and I cannot tell you for sure. She told me that she wakes up every day and tells herself that she is going to do something new, something that she can take pride in. I admire this.

I think I am confused. (Okay, I know I am confused :) ). I know I want to be a social worker. Yes. Yes? Okay, scratch that. I know I want to help people. Yes? Yes. I know my family will always be there. Definitely true. I do not know where I want to go after my tentative plans. I am, as you know, a planner. An organizer of my life. I love planning. I need to plan. But, I have been taught that though necessary at times, it can lead to great stress and disappointment.

I think more of the question "what do I see myself doing in ten years." And I have no fricken idea. Now, I know so many people cannot answer this question. But, I do not even know what I want to do in ten years! Five! Three! Two! I don't know. I can't really see myself doing anything. I do not mean I will be a bum doing absolutely nothing. I just cannot see myself as a social worker. Maybe it will come with time.

I am ready to be done with Dordt. Yes, there will be people I miss, but I will make it a point to keep in contact with them (dear reader, I apologize ahead of time--I am horrible at keeping in contact). My excitement during my Dordt experience has been comparable to a bell curve. I am bring in my past math major. It started out low. Okay, I hated it here. But, by the third month I really enjoyed college. The rest of my freshman year was great and I would not trade it for a thing. Sophomore year depleted. New friendships were made and my roommate was amazing. She is, hands down, the best roommate I have ever had. But as most of you know I was not at my best during my sophomore year. This year, my third and final year at Dordt, has been a slow downward slope towards the way I felt about this college in the beginning. It isn't the same disliking, and I wouldn't necessarily say I do not like it here, I am just ready to move on. I truly believe I have gotten what I can out of Dordt. Next chapter please.

Yes, I do believe I will publish this one. It isn't great, but that is okay because I do not think many people read this anyway. :) I would not say I am ready for bigger and better, but I would say I am ready for different. I don't like change, but I am ready for it.

not being overlooked

I am somebody. I am not someone who can be left behind. I am a person of the female sex who loves cats. I love celery, especially with peanut butter and raisins. I love green gum and orange pop. I love driving at night and singing along with the music. I love soup--my dad's chicken soup is best when you have a cold. I love painting. I love writing for myself. I love my sisters. I love tea AND coffee. I love cooking. I love sleeping in. I love math. I enjoy snuggling up and in blanket with warm fuzzy socks on. I love cold showers. I love brushing my teeth and cleaning my ears. I am a social work major who wants to DO something. I want to go to Africa. I want to work with families living in poverty. I want to have a family. I want to settle down after a time of traveling. I want to be happy. I am an introvert who loves order. I am organized. I am not terribly artistic but I want to be. I am passive. I am quiet--many times. I am passionate. I am driven. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a sister, a daughter, a co-worker, a movie lover. I go through phases of loving apples more and then oranges more. I LOVE fruit. I love tennis. I love the color green. I love the smell of freshly cut grass. I love rain and the first snowfall (if it is after Thanksgiving). I love cutting down the family Christmas tree the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I love family traditions. I love kites. I love camping. I enjoy a good snowball fight here and there. I love sledding. I like high heels. I know there has to be something more. I have to have ice in my water. I love a brisk sunrise. I want to go skydiving. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to travel. I want to be able to hold a spider. I want to do karaoke. I want to water ski. I want to be a mother. I want to spend the night in a tree house. I want to do something out of the ordinary for me. I want to pass on my love of math. I want to conquer my fear of heights. I love robins. I love Jack Johnson, especially in the spring. I want to be honest. I love my summer job. I miss my friends from home. I miss playing scrabble. I love stupid talks on an old couch. I love fire. I love California. I love the ocean. I love FRIENDS. I miss England, but more so Scotland. I have a scar on my left eyelid from pushing a pink pig in a swing. I have broken many bones. I want to look on the bright side. I want you to know WHO I am and know that I am HERE. This list is not to be forgotten. This list isn't meant to define me but it gives a vague idea. This list, is for me.

learning something new

I, along with many you, live at school. We do homework, watch tv (if time), have meetings, eat, do laundry, sleep (again, if time), etc. at school. Yes, we do go off campus once in a while, possibly for an occasional Wal-Mart run, a much needed walk with a friend, or a Sunday away at your grandparents, but generally we are here, at school. Yes, sometimes the desire to get off campus is exceedingly evident, but overall I enjoy it here. I enjoy the pace of the college—which changes depending on where you are and who you are talking to. I feel as if I am learning quite a bit this semester, but the difference between this semester and past semesters is that I am also learning how to apply what I am learning. Through various activities and opportunities I am feeling more and more like a social worker. No, I am not one yet, but knowing that I will be one within a matter of a year or so is thrilling. For now I will enjoy my classes and soak up the information I am receiving through them. Yay for class, yay for education, and yay for living at school—even if you have trouble falling asleep because of roommates who talk, burp, and throw pillows at you in their sleep.

a repeat of past times-needed especially now.

At what age do things start to get complicated? When is life no longer about waking up and playing all day until bed? When do our jobs and money start taking over? As we continue to add numbers onto our age does life continue to get more complicated? As a child do we simply accept things the way they are and live contently? Yes, as a human of a younger age we do seem to ask "why" and "how" frequently, but these questions are out of pure curiosity. Do we lose our curiosity, and if so, when? I do not want to be an "old" woman and live my life routinely. Yes, I do love routines and I love order, but I do not want to do the same thing day after day. I want excitement; I want passion; I desire desire. Doesn't everyone? Some people are quite content doing the same things throughout their life. That is the beauty in life; we are all built differently and we all find happiness in different ways of life. I am looking forward to being an 'adult' (whatever that word means). I am excited to have a job. However, I want to live like a child. This does not mean that I want to sleep in and play all day without a care in the world; however, I want to keep my curiosity. I do not want to feel weighed down by life. I want to look back and say "I would not change a thing." As of now, I can say that. I do not believe in regret. Yes, if some things in my life were different it might have been a bit easier and a few tears less, but I would not be where I am standing now if those things had not happened and those tears had not been shed. Lately, a memory has been hitched to my back. **We all ran to my grandma and grandpa as they passed out different sized glass canning jars. The five grandchildren, wide-eyed and hopeful, reached out their arms waiting for the magic catchers to hit their finger tips. Once we each had our own jar we ran outside as fast as our legs would carry us. The farm was huge, but all of us always stayed in the same area of the yard. "I see one!!! I see one!!!!" Five little girls ran around the yard trying to catch the little bits of magic flying through the air. We would never go back inside until all five jars held at least one flickering bug. The five of us stumbled upstairs into our little bedroom and lined our jars on the windowsill. We snuggled into our sheets and watched the magnificent flickers of light until our eyelids grew too heavy. When we awoke we would go out into the yard and release the magic bugs and a wish.** If I could go back to this point in time I would. I cannot imagine how beautiful it must have been for our parents and grandparents to watch their children, nieces, and grandchildren run around the yard with little glass jars in hopes of catching a firefly.